This page NEW on December 30th, 2000

Jump to "Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy"

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Here is a friend's cat who has just a wee bit o' attitude (ever been flipped off by a cat?...probably not):

Don't take it personally...just step away slowly.

Hamlet's Cat's Soliloquy

To go outside, and there perchance to stay
Or to remain within, that is the question:
Whether 'tis better for a cat to suffer
The cuffs and buffets of inclement weather
That Nature rains on those who roam abroad,
Or take a nap upon a scrap of carpet,
And so by dozing melt the solid hours
That clog the clock's bright gears with sullen time
And stall the dinner bell. To sit, to stare
Outdoors, and by a stare to seem to state
A wish to venture forth without delay,
Then when the portal's opened up, to stand
As if transfixed by doubt. To prowl; to sleep;
To choose not knowing when we may once more
Our readmittance gain: aye, there's the hairball;
For if a paw were shaped to turn a knob,
Or work a lock or slip a window-catch,
And going out and coming in were made
As simple as the breaking of a bowl,
What cat would bear the household's petty plagues,
The cook's well-practiced kicks, the butler's broom,
The infant's careless pokes, the tickled ears,
The trampled tail, and all the daily shocks
That fur is heir to, when, of his own free will,
He might his exodus or entrance make
With a mere mitten? Who would spaniels fear,
Or strays trespassing from a neighbor's yard,
But that the dread of our unheeded cries
And scratches at a barricaded door
No claw can open up, dispels our nerve
And makes us rather bear our humans' faults
Than run away to unguessed miseries?
Thus caution doth make house cats of us all;
And thus the bristling hair of resolution
Is softened up with the pale brush of thought,
And since our choices hinge on weighty things,
We pause upon the threshold of decision.

-- Shakespaw

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I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce:

This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

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How to Give a Cat a Pill

 1.  Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your
 left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right
 forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and
 gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in
 right hand.  As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth.
 Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

 2.  Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
 Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

 3.  Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill
 away.

 4.  Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left
 arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand.  Force
 jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right
 forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for count of ten.

 5.  Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top
 of wardrobe.  Call spouse from garden.

 6.  Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between
 knees, hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls
 emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with
 one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop
 pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

 7.  Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill
 from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair
 curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and
 vases from the hearth and set to one side for gluing
 later.

 8.  Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on
 cat with head just visible below armpit.  Put pill in
 end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil
 and blow down drinking straw.

 9.  Check label to make sure pill not harmful to
 humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away.  Apply
 Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from
 carpet with cold water and soap.

 10.  Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed.  Get another
 pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard and
 close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force
 mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat
 with elastic band.

 11.  Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard
 door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of
 scotch.  Pour shot, drink.  Apply cold compress to
 cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab.
 Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss
 back another shot.  Throw T-shirt away and fetch new
 one from bedroom.

 12.  Ring fire brigade to retrieve the f*****g cat
 from tree across the road.  Apologize to neighbour who
 crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take
 last pill from foil wrap.

 13.  Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws
 with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining
 table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed.  Push
 pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet
 steak.   Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and
 pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

 14.  Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive
 you to the ER, sit quietly while doctor stitches
 fingers and forearm and removes pill remnant from
 right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order
 new table.

 15.  Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell
 and ring local pet shop to see if they have any
 hamsters.


 How to Give a Dog a Pill
 1.  Wrap it in bacon.

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